Thankfully since my last post my head currently looks MUCH DIFFERENT, although I am very glad to be back at home the changes and adjustments are SO NOT EASY! I got released from the hospital last Thursday night after being there for seven straight days and was absolutely the most exhausted I have ever been in my life so it felt amazing to be home and sleep for about fourteen hours the day after coming home. I didn’t get the best or most encouraging news from my neurologist and I am still trying to process through all of that and the major changes it is going to have on my life. Basically my doctor decided to change up my anti-epileptic medications some to see if this may help. I am staying on my same dosage of Keppra (1500 twice daily) & Depakote (500 twice daily). I have always been on Keppra so that isn’t an adjustment for my body, but the Depakote is a new drug so I’m going through alot of the side effects both physical and emotional. I’m trying my hardest not to worry too much about the medicine not working but I can’t tell you how hard that is. Usually the medications I have tried either just don’t control my seizures, make them worse, or my body reacts badly with the side effects from the medicine which causes the doctor to stop the medicine. So I am crossing my fingers in hopes that my body will cooperate with the new medicine or we can find one out there that will work out.
Along with trying new medicine I also cannot drive for at least six months, depending on how my seizure activity is. But I also had to quit my job of keeping my sweet 9 month old nephew, Parker because of safety reasons with my seizures being so sudden and unpredictable as far as when and where they will happen. My life of being an independent almost 26 year old is changing more and more everyday it feels like and definitely spiraling out of my own control, which is something I am having the most difficulty with. I have the most supportive family out there I think and they have been here for us every step of the way for whatever we need and for that I could honestly never repay them.
I know nothing about these next several months is going to be easy with finding the right medicine to control my seizure, and getting my body adjusted to the new medicines. But it is also so much harder than I remember it being last time especially emotionally. It honestly feels like I can NEVER turn my brain off, something is always going crazy thinking, worrying, or feeling something that is getting the best of me so that I can never even quiet my mind! I am very much trying to find someone to talk to (a.k.a psychiatrist) about all these emotions going crazy inside me whether it is sad, angry, being annoyed, depressed, being in a bad mood and not knowing why, and generally just not feeling like myself. This is one of those times where I don’t know what to do, just REALLY do not know what to do, how to decipher what are my feelings and what are feelings from the medicine since this new medicine can alter your behavior, emotions, and personality and generally just make you a different person and sometimes causing depression. I don’t know how to tell the difference or how to process all that is going on!
I know if you do read this you may find it strange that I am writing all these personal emotional thoughts and feelings down and posting to a blog on the internet for anyone and everyone to look at potentially. But for one I’m not a person who cares if you read my personal feelings even if I have no idea who you are, I’m just not a private person. And two writing out my thoughts and feelings and what all I have been going through has always been helpful for me, it does give some sense of relief so you may find alot of this over the next several months so I will apologize in advance. For now I think I am done, if you did read this until the end you are a trooper!!
Until next time 🙂